Have a listen to the first minute of these YouTube clips.

You’ve seen this one with Tom the Scientologist…

and here’s one with Will the Scientologist.

They’re not new, but I’d never watched them back to back before. Now I’m struck by the similarity between them. No, I don’t mean how embarrassing it is to watch these two idiots blabbering while normal people can only stare in horrified fascination (especially that Scientologists are better qualified to help an accident victim than, say, a paramedic, or that 2 + 2 = 4 only if we agree that it does). And I don’t mean how they both repeat inflated claims made by their church about human potential.

These two share a discourse style that I’ve never seen before. It’s a weird kind of unfocused rambling, but with evangelical intensity. Acronyms appear out of nowhere (KFC?). They start sentences with no idea how to finish them, but they do it with certainty and weird bravado. It makes no sense, but they seem unaware that they’re making no sense.

Is this a style of monologue that they picked up at the Celebrity Centre? because I don’t want any of what they’re having.