Sandra points me to this episode of Dinosaur Comics.
Click on the image to go to the whole cartoon.
It reminds me of something George Carlin said about prayer:
If you insist on praying, what you need is a Magical Wishing Ferret. You can ask him for anything you want. He works by the power of confirmation bias, so if you don’t get what you want, you’ll never notice.
You may have heard of Rocky Twyman, the guy who’s behind “Pray at the Pump”. Since April, they’ve been asking a supernatural being to lower gas prices. And holy Regression Fallacy! it seems to be working.
A prayer group in Washington DC is claiming the credit for the recent sharp drop in the US price of petrol.
Rocky Twyman, 59, a veteran community campaigner, started Pray At The Pump meetings at petrol stations in April.
Since then, the average price of what the US calls gasoline has fallen from more than $4 a gallon to $3.80.
“We don’t have anybody else to turn to but God,” Mr Twyman told the BBC. “We have to turn these problems over to God and not to man.”
God, schmod. Isn’t it obvious who’s behind the recent drop in petrol prices? Not supernatural beings or market forces. It’s… the Magical Wishing Ferret!
Meep!
Now it’s true that no one’s been asking the Magical Wishing Ferret for his help. But that’s what makes him so great. He knows what you need, and gives it to you before you ask.
That other ‘god’ makes you go through all kinds of contortions before he’ll do anything. Sometimes you literally have to starve yourself just to get his attention, the sadist.
None of that crap for the MWF. He’s good about getting you what you want, although he needs you do the work for the sake of your character. He doesn’t require any faith (just occasional chocolate), and he’s much more deserving of admiration than other gods I could mention. And you certainly don’t have to hang out at petrol stations shouting at the sky to curry his favour.
Sorry to abandon the site — I’ve been beset by the worst influenza strain I’ve seen since the winter of ’83. Doing better now though. I’ve tried to make it up to you by including a poll in the right sidebar.
And then this week, my mailbox coughed up a bookmark.
Dear Neighbour
This year, the members of St Luke’s Anglican Church in Maylands are praying for the welfare of our neighbourhood. This week, we have chosen the people in your street.
Please contact us with any special needs you may have.
The St Luke’s Community
Dammit, people! Cut it out! My life has sucked since you started praying for me! Don’t you know that prayer can actually increase post-operative complications? Are you trying to give me secondary pneumonia?
It’s very sweet that you’re offering to help with my ‘special needs’ (ahem), but I’m already using the Magical Wishing Ferret plus the Secret, so really I’m doing fine. Also a very kind GP is taking care of me, and I have evidence that she actually exists, kthxbai.
Dick Cheney spoke at the BYU commencement, over the protests of at least a hundred students.
Caption:
Vice President Dick Cheney addresses the graduates after receiving an honorary doctorate degree at Brigham Young University, Thursday, April 26, 2007 in Provo, Utah.
I didn’t even know that BYU offered a doctorate in the Dark Arts. I wonder if it’s similar to the one they gave Margaret Thatcher.
“Don’t give up or let your doubts get the best of you,” Cheney said. “For all the plans we make in life, sometimes life has other plans for us.”
An unscheduled guest speaker concurred heartily.
There’s not much convergence between Good Reason readers and Oprah followers, which I’m proud of. But both of you have probably heard of the latest feel-good karma-drenched new age horsecrap known as ‘The Secret‘.
It’s the publishing phenomenon of the year so far, a small book with a parchment-brown cover engraved with the image of a red wax seal.
“The Secret,” its title proclaims matter-of-factly, as if the slim volume held the answer to life’s deepest mysteries.
…
“Everything that’s coming into your life you are attracting into your life,” Byrne writes. “You are the most powerful magnet in the universe . . . so as you think a thought, you are also attracting like thoughts to you.”
Yep, just by sending out ‘energy’ in the form of ‘thoughts’, you attract things to you. This is why it’s vitally important not to think of things like torture, global warming, or chlamydia. By just thinking of torture, global warming, or chlamydia, you are attracting torture, global warming, and chlamydia to you. Thinking about those things is just asking for it. Do not think of torture, global warming, or chlamydia.
But if you want stuff, and you follow the book’s recipe of ask, believe, and receive, the universe will grant it to you. As long as you’re not keeping track very closely.
Why do I say that The Secret is horsecrap? Because it’s vastly inferior to the Magical Wishing Ferret.
Meeeeeeep…
He’s been doing the Prosperity Guru thing for years now. Look how prosperous and cute he is. And he wants to help you to get whatever you want. As opposed to those bastards behind ‘The Secret’, who just want to sell you crappy books and DVDs and trick you into thinking that their stupid Law of Attraction is getting you a job, and then blame you for not believing hard enough when it doesn’t work. Nope, the MWF is the real deal.
Just make a wish, and rub his tummy. For maximum effect, give me chocolate. (I’ve mentioned the chocolate part before, you cheap sods. Now get sending. So what if I don’t hand out my address? You’re just going to have to put some effort into it and find a way to deliver. Good stuff, please.) And as mentioned before, unlike other religions, it’s very important to not believe in the MWF. If anyone believes in him, it may not work.
The Magical Wishing Ferret is now soliciting testimonials, which (as we all know) is the only truly reliable kind of evidence you will ever need, as far as you know. If you’ve made a wish through the Magical Wishing Ferret, and then something happened which could possibly be construed as making your wish come true, please leave your testimony in comments.
So Bush wants to have a ‘surge’ in Iraq, which is a Latin word that means ‘more troops‘.
The president, who is completing a lengthy review of Iraq policy, is considering dispatching three to four U.S. combat brigades to Iraq, or no more than 15,000 to 20,000 U.S. troops, the officials said.
Sending more people to the Iraq meat grinder is a terrible idea, but getting past that — are there any more soldiers to send?
Meanwhile, the U.S. military has been stretched by four years of war in Afghanistan and Iraq, meaning few active-duty combat units are available for deployment.
To marshal even 15,000 to 20,000 additional troops, Bush would have to accelerate the return of some units to the battlefield, cutting their time to train between deployments.
How is he going to get the extra forces? You can’t just wish them into existence.
Wait a minute… I have an idea!
Eeep!
Magical Wishing Ferret reporting for duty!
Here are the preliminary results from the God/Ferret face-off, in which we ask the musical question: Which supernatural method is most likely to bring rains to a parched and thirsty land?
Week one, God
Method: Fasting and praying.
Rainfall: Piddling.
Week two, Magical Wishing Ferret
Meep!
Method: Making a wish, rubbing the spot on your monitor where his cute tummy is, giving Daniel chocolate.
Rainfall: Trifling.
It’s a wash.
But I’ve figured out why. I have had it revealed that in order for the MWF to work, you must not believe in him. Anyone exercises faith in him in the least degree, and all bets are off. Please do not believe in the Magical Wishing Ferret. You may leave expressions of your lack of faith in the MWF in comments. Thank you.
There. That ought to do something.
It seems that the LDS Church in Australia has joined the interfaith effort to control the weather using religion. PDF
The 116,000 members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are taking a unique approach to the recently declared National Day of Prayer for drought relief in Australia. They are dedicating their monthly fast, next scheduled for this Sunday 3rd December 2006, towards the effort.
Apparently, God, who controls the weather, would like to see people go hungry a bit before he looses the torrents. Quite a guy. The press release does not say whether he would like anyone to do the little dance.
Will it work? Well, if it rains somewhere in the next indefinite period, I’m sure they’ll claim a win. If it doesn’t, I’m equally sure that everyone will realise it, and say, “Well, that was ineffective!” Then they’ll give up on Christianity and become Wiccans and Scientologists. You watch.
There is ample scriptural encouragement for fasting in times of great need says the Australian Area President of the Church, Elder Paul K. Sybrowsky. He also points out references in the Old Testament where God’s people were invited to “humble themselves and pray” so that God may “heal [the] land” and once more bring rain to parched pastures (see 2 Chronicles 7:12-14; 1 Kings 8:35-36; and Leviticus 26:2-4).
Hmm, those Old Testament scriptures are looking crunchy. Let’s have a look at Chronicles:
If I shut up heaven that there be no rain, or if I command the locusts to devour the land, or if I send pestilence among my people;
If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
The lesson here: If there’s a drought, it’s because you were bad. You know it’s true. Fess up! I’m sure some Australian has done something wrong.
Of course, since people have always done superstitious things to try and control the weather, it’s nice to see modern-day Christianity keeping up the atavistic tradition. The problem, though, is that it is now the year 2000-freaking-six and people should be a little better informed about things like what causes rain. I say this, knowing that if it had been a couple of years ago, I could have been right there, believing it with the best of the faithful, and not thinking too hard about it.
But now I’ve learned. And I’m doing something constructive about Australia’s drought situation. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the Magical Wishing Ferret!
Eeep!
He’s not just cute, he’s consolation in a time of sadness. And he grants wishes. Except those relating to Photoshop skills.
And because I like a challenge, I propose an Elijah-style test. For the first week, the Mormons can do their thing: fast, pray, supplicate to their hearts’ content. Then, on the second week, it’s me and the MWF. Any rain that falls after next Sunday, you know who to thank.
UPDATE: Faith-based rain report: Tuesday. Fine and 27. God is not appeased. Keep praying. There’s an early shower due on Friday, but that’s hardly miraculous, is it? Never mind; all rainfall will be dutifully recorded.
© 2024 Good Reason
Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑
Recent Comments