You think your job sucks.

Just be glad you’re not a Republican running for U.S. President.

First of all, you’re horrendously unpopular, with self-reported Republican identification the lowest in years. Then you have to Defend the Indefensible and argue for escalation of the war in Iraq/Iran/Syria. I mean, maybe you’re a sensible person and maybe you can even count, and you’d like to take some positions that Americans actually agree with, so already you’re a little edgy.

Then you have to take a position like this:

Republican presidential candidate John McCain, looking to improve his standing with the party’s conservative voters, said Sunday the court decision that legalized abortion should be overturned.

“I do not support Roe versus Wade. It should be overturned,” the Arizona senator told about 800 people in South Carolina, one of the early voting states.

Suicide! I seem to remember that Roe vs. Wade is immmensely popular, and has been for, oh, about 30 years.

CNN/Opinion Research Corporation Poll. Jan. 19-21, 2007. N=1,008 adults nationwide. MoE ± 3.

“Would you like to see the Supreme Court overturn its 1973 Roe versus Wade decision concerning abortion, or not?”

Would: 29
Would Not: 62
Unsure: 9

Yes, that’s about right. So why run against that? Oh.

McCain is trying to build support among conservatives after a recent rebuke from Christian leader James Dobson, who said he wouldn’t back McCain’s presidential bid.

Tsk.

So after kissing Dobson’s shiny white ass, followed by Robertson’s, Swaggart’s, and probably Haggard’s (but that one’s on your own time), you’re still not done. You have to cap off the evening by doing something really Christian, like attending a purity ball, or…

McCain later attended an evening rally promoting an abstinence program.

Yeah, something like that.

He told the crowd of more than 1,000 teens and parents that young people have pressures far different from the ones he faced while growing up. “Sometimes I’ve made the wrong choice,” McCain said.

So, that’s a ‘no’ on abstinence? I think I need a less ambiguous comment on that.

I wonder what it must be like for the Republican candidates. To ignore the vast majority of Americans so you can court the vote of the most freaked-out minority just seems nuts. It would drive me crazy. But then, I’m not masochistic enough to be a Republican.

And another thing: Whose (the fuck) business is it anyway that you took a tumble in the hay with Mary Lou in 1955? Imagine having to flagellate yourself publicly over it at an abstinence rally in 2007. Unbelievable!

Here’s me at the rally: Kids, we got it on! And it was great! I don’t regret it for a second! We were young and gorgeous, and our skin was soft yet firm. I’ll never boink an eighteen-year-old woman again, and it’s one of my choicest memories.

No wonder they don’t vote for atheists. Mom and Dad and Grandma wouldn’t have liked that part of my speech.