It started like any other morning in church.

There was an opening hymn, which everyone sang, including the new convert, Sister Z, just in front of me. But it soon became apparent that she wasn’t singing the same hymn as everyone else. She was singing some kind of high-pitched melody that only she could hear. Rather loudly, too. And she didn’t stop singing at the end of the verse, she just kept on singing with her head pointed to the ceiling. Something was wrong.

“Dad, what’s she doing?” asked Youngest Boy.

“She’s having a problem in her mind,” I said, wondering what to do. “Just stay calm.”

The hymn ended, but her strange singing continued. The congregation stayed awkwardly silent. Then she started hitting herself in the chest. The person next to her tried to talk her down, but it wasn’t working. Sister Z got up and began shouting at the silent congregation.

“This is an adulterous church!” she shouted in the aisle. “You can’t tell me to be quiet! I will burn your skin.” And so on for about a minute.

It was then that she approached the stand and tried to go for the mike, but the bishop refused to yield. Instead he said, “Brothers and sisters, could I just ask you to quietly leave the chapel and go into the cultural hall.” Which everyone did.

An emergency team soon arrived. They’d seen Sister Z before; apparently this wasn’t a new thing for her.

People were confused and concerned. Fortunately we had some mental health professionals in the ward. Brother B had a brief chat to the adults, and Sister C spoke to the Primary children. All in all, the incident was handled very well.

For me, the notable thing about the incident was the practical way in which everyone handled it. Mormons do believe in the devil, and anecdotes about satanic possession do exist, but they’re not common. I think loads of Latter-day Saints would argue that devils could be cast out using the Priesthood. But how did the people of the Church handle the affair? They called in people who were trained and had experience in that area, like any sensible person would.

If this had happened in a born-again church, it would have been handled totally differently. Demonic possession? No problem! Some of the brethren grab her, the bishop commands Satan to leave, she barfs, end of story. Great meeting! Until next time she has a psychotic episode because the problem hasn’t been solved.

No, they handled it the right way — the non-spiritual, material way. Sensible people know that when you need something done, you don’t rely on spirits. You do what works. You don’t pray to get your sink fixed. You call a plumber. Of course, you could try and sneak God in somewhere, perhaps by praying that the plumber will know what he or she’s doing. The idea has worked its way into proverb: “God helps those who help themselves.” Or this modern homily: “Pray as if everything depended on the Lord, and then work as if everything depended on you.” Or as Voltaire put it: “It is unquestionable that certain words and ceremonies will effectually destroy a flock of sheep, if administered with a sufficient portion of arsenic.”

That which we call ‘spiritual’ is actually just made up. Therefore it’s only good in situations where
a) you can’t do anything about the problem (it makes you feel better)
b) you’re already doing something practical about the problem (and then when it works, you credit God instead)
c) it’s not a very serious problem that you don’t need solved, or
d) the problem relates only to ‘spiritual things’ and not the physical world in any way.

And these are in fact the situations in which people seek spiritual guidance. But when they need to do something real, even believers know that it’s the non-spiritual methods that work.