Interview with John Howard

We’re pleased here at Good Reason to have been granted an exclusive interview with the Prime Minister of Australia, John Howard. We were escorted to the Prime Minister’s office, where Mr Howard emerged from what appeared to be a giant closet.

Good Reason: Mr Howard, it’s an honour to meet with you.

John Howard: No worries, mate.

Good Reason: You’re responsible for Australia not singing on to the Kyoto Protocol. You even refused to meet with Al Gore when he was in the country last week, and you have no plans to see “An Inconvenient Truth“. Why not?

John Howard: I don’t take policy advice from films. Unless it’s movies like Mad Max and Gallipoli — great stuff!

Good Reason: But isn’t it important to find cleaner kinds of energy to meet Australia’s needs, instead of relying on oil?

John Howard: We’re looking at a range of solutions for Australia’s energy needs, like finding more oil, burning coal, and getting detainees to generate electricity by walking on treadmills. We’re also looking at pulling all that uranium out of the ground as part of our Global Nucular Energy Partnership with the USA.

Good Reason: Wait a minute — you just said ‘nucular’. There’s something funny about your voice.

John Howard: Nothin’ funny here, mate. I’m fair dinkum John Howard, all right. Kangaroos and that stuff.

Good Reason: Is that a John Howard mask? I thought your face looked more rubbery than usual.

John Howard (removing mask): Dag-nabbit, you caught me.

Good Reason: Hey, you’re not John Howard at all! You’re George W. Bush!

At this point John Howard bursts out of the closet.

The Real John Howard: Flamin’ oath, George! I keep telling you, it’s ‘nuclear’! And lose the Texas twang!

George W. Bush: Sorry there, John-Boy.

Good Reason: Do you often impersonate John Howard?

George W. Bush: Every once in a while. It’s the least I can do for all the times he’s impersonated me over the years.

John Howard: Yeah, like how about the time I ran on an anti-boat-people platform?

George W. Bush: You couldn’t have divided the electorate more effectively, John. Just like I told ya, huh? So effective, I decided to adopt it for my anti-immigrant campaign last year.

John Howard: I’m trying it out on Muslims now! Listen to this: There’s a small section of the Islamic population which is unwilling to integrate and I have said generally all migrants … they have to integrate.

George W. Bush: You forgot the most important part…

John Howard: Oh, yair. They want to kill us!

George W. Bush: That’s my Man of Steel.

Good Reason: Well, how can you even tell if they’re ‘integrated’?

John Howard: They speak English, and vote for me.

Good Reason: Isn’t this just a tactic to put public pressure on people who retain their ethnicity and language? I mean, you’re not going to punish Muslims who don’t ‘integrate’ by putting them in detention, are you?

John Howard: No, of course not.

George W. Bush: Yes.

John Howard: Yes.

Good Reason: What were you two doing in that closet anyway?

George W. Bush: Nothing.

John Howard: Nothing.

Pauline Hanson (emerging from closet): Nothing.