Youngest Boy asked me what ‘conservative’ and ‘liberal’ mean. He’s 7, so I must be talking about these things too much around the house.

Here’s my answer.

The way I see it, everyone has a conservative side and a liberal side. And either side may be appropriate, depending on the situation.

There’s a good side and a bad side to conservatism. The good side of conservatism is caution. When there are wild animals or bad people outside, it’s a good idea to stay in the house. When you could lose a lot of money, you try to risk less. It’s just smart. And in some ways it may be better for a society if change doesn’t happen too quickly. Change can be wrenching and difficult to adapt to.

The bad side of being conservative is fear. That’s when caution becomes paralysis.

I’ve never seen a more fearful group of people than modern American conservatives, whether it’s fear of gays, fear of immigrants, fear of liberals, or (always always always) fear of terrorists. And conservative leaders know that they can speak to this fear to control conservatives, just like flicking a switch. They call it ‘throwing red meat to their base’, but it’s actually pandering to fear.

Conservatives are a bit like babies sometimes; they get fearful and need to be soothed. If they get angry, they can throw a tantrum. Unlike babies, though, their anger can turn them into aggressive people who are capable of real harm. That’s a way of life for fire-breathing conservatives like Limbaugh and Coulter. Yellow Elephants of our present day show both manifestations of fear: cowardice, and threatened aggression when they get called on it.

On the other side, liberalism is notable for its lack of fear in the face of threat. Liberals are able to say, “Yes, terrorism is a threat. But we need to approach it in an intelligent way.” Or, “I don’t want to be murdered by someone. But even so, I oppose the death penalty.” The anti-war stance is criticised as cowardly by so-called hawks fed on overhyped nationalism, itself driven by fear. But I see it as a desire to work around conflict, if possible. The coward is the one who thinks it’s all right to send others into a war so their anxiety can be assuaged.

The key question is this: is the world basically dangerous or safe? To answer that, I’d like to quote Al Gore quoting Ed Muskie:

“There are only two kinds of politics. They are not radical and reactionary, or conservative and liberal. Or even Democrat and Republican. There are only the politics of fear and the politics of trust.

“One says: You are encircled by monstrous dangers.

Give us power over your freedom so we may protect you.

“The other says: The world is a baffling and hazardous place, but it can be shaped to the will of men. …(C)ast your vote for trust …in the ancient traditions of this home for freedom….”

This latter approach brings out better things in me. I hope I can help my boys to be brave enough to consider other points of view, to not react automatically with violence, to be capable and secure enough to have a calm mind. In short, to be good liberals and good members of society.

Shorter Michael Reagan: English in the US is on its death bed because liberals won’t force immigrants — some illegal — to learn it.

Oy. Is he aware that English is exterminating other languages at a desperate pace?

Follow the link if you want, but the first paragraph tells you what you’re in for.

All across the U.S., hordes of immigrants – legal and illegal – are chattering away in their native language and have no intention of learning English the all-but-official language of the United States where they now live.

Those ‘hordes’ that are ‘chattering away’ — are they ‘brown hordes’, by any chance?

Bet he bitches when someone orders a ‘burrito’ instead of a ‘Mexican pie’.

A few articles converged for me this morning.

First, one from Jeff at Soma Vacation in which he describes the neglect that can happen when college boys live somewhere. I used to be a paperboy in that town, and I hated having to deal with guys in student housing. Sure, there were nice students, but the bad ones were the hardest to get money out of, and the most slovenly.

And I’d read the description of George W. Bush in US News and World Report:

He loves to cuss, gets a jolly when a mountain biker wipes out trying to keep up with him, and now we’re learning that the first frat boy loves flatulence jokes. A top insider let that slip when explaining why President Bush is paranoid around women, always worried about his behavior. But he’s still a funny, earthy guy who, for example, can’t get enough of fart jokes. He’s also known to cut a few for laughs, especially when greeting new young aides, but forget about getting people to gas about that.

Just your basic good ol’ sociopath. For blogs that cite this article, the comparison of Bush to Frat Boy is common.

So if the President of the USA is basically a stereotypical Frat Boy, and if Frat Boys trash the place, then what should we expect to happen to the USA? Perhaps something like this.

A pipeline shuts down in Alaska. Equipment failures disrupt air travel in Los Angeles. Electricity runs short at a spy agency in Maryland.

None of these recent events resulted from a natural disaster or terrorist attack, but they may as well have, some homeland security experts say. They worry that too little attention is paid to how fast the country’s basic operating systems are deteriorating.

…

The American Society of Civil Engineers last year graded the nation “D” for its overall infrastructure conditions, estimating that it would take $1.6 trillion over five years to fix the problem.

“I thought [Hurricane] Katrina was a hell of a wake-up call, but people are missing the alarm,” said Casey Dinges, the society’s managing director of external affairs.

As the enduring image of Dick Cheney will be that of Elmer Fudd, Bush’s image will be that of the Frat Boy — irresponsible and immature. Why bother cleaning up? He’ll just be moving out soon.

Would you want this judge covering your case?

A Philippines judge who said he consulted imaginary mystic dwarves has failed to convince the Supreme Court to allow him to keep his job.

Florentino Floro was appealing against a three-year inquiry which led to his removal due to incompetence and bias.

He told investigators three mystic dwarves – Armand, Luis and Angel – had helped him to carry out healing sessions during breaks in his chambers.

See, now he should have said that the dwarves ordered him to keep an enormous granite copy of the Ten Commandmants in the courtroom. He would have been deluged with support from the American religious right. They give you a pass if your psychosis matches theirs.

“They should not have dismissed me for what I believed,” Mr Floro told reporters after filing his appeal in May.

Durn tootin’. If he really really wants to believe it, who are we to pooh-pooh the notion? It could be true. The difference between his belief system and other more successful ones is primarily marketing.

I don’t go looking for bizarre claims about animal language. They come to me. And I’m noticing a definite pattern for these articles.

Part 1: Make some overstated or outrageous claim about animal language.

The claim: Cows have accents.

Cows have regional accents, a group of British farmers claims, and phonetics experts say the idea is not as far-fetched as it sounds.

The phonetic expert explains:

“You find distinct chirping accents in the same species around the country. This could also be true of cows,” Wells said on the group’s Web site.

Birds I can understand. There is a clear advantage in mimicry, and there’s abundant evidence that this actually happens. (For example, check out this amazing YouTube video of the lyrebird.)

But cows?

Part 2: Have someone explain why this is happening, without verifying that the phenomenon is for real.

“I spend a lot of time with my Friesians and they definitely ‘moo’ with a Somerset drawl,” he said, referring to the breed of dairy cow he owns.

He’s picked it down to the accent. And ‘ow is this ‘appening?

“I think it works the same as with dogs – the closer a farmer’s bond is with his animals, the easier it is for them to pick up his accent.”

Not just from each other. From the farmer.

Hey, if you think it’s impossible for a cow to pick up its owner’s accent, check this list of what cows say in other languages. Totally different there! Proof positive! It’s not just perception — the cows actually sound different because of the local lingo.

The problem with this explanation is that we don’t know if the cow accent thing is really happening, and therefore there’s nothing to explain yet. First, you get the farmers to hear tapes of cows and see if they can identify the dialect. I’m willing to bet that they couldn’t do it better than random chance. Or get the moos on a spectrograph and see if the computer can detect any similarities. And if that checks out, then it’s explanation time. Not until.

Part 3: Back away from all the claims at the very end of the article.

He added that more scientific research was needed to prove what was just an anecdotal theory at this stage.

But it’s too late for that. The news people have already gone nuts, and now I’ll get people coming up to me, one every couple of weeks for the next few years, telling me about cow accents. Nova Magazine will run articles about our spirit siblings the cows, and how to communicate with them. (Although if it stops people eating them, I won’t mind so much.)

If this is for real, I’d be pretty interested. But what’s more likely — that cows are picking up accents from humans and other cows, or that farmers are projecting their accents onto the cows? Because if I’ve noticed one thing about language and animals, it’s that people project like crazy. We think apes and birds understand us. We think computers understand us. We think the sky understands us. So why not cows?

Bring on the double-blind test, and then we’ll have something to talk about. And then it’ll be interesting. Really.

I’ve been noticing the language G. W. Bush has been using lately (always a hoot), and I think he’s getting his language cues straight from right-wing blogs.

Today’s speech used the term ‘Democrat Party’ instead of ‘Democratic Party’, which is a staple of Michelle Malkin, townhall.com, and their ilk.

In calling the opposition the “Democrat Party” Mr. Bush was repeating a truncated, ungrammatical version of the party’s name that some Democrats have called a slight, an assertion the White House dismissed as ridiculous.

Add this to the “Islamic fascism” Bush cited last week — barely modified from ‘Islamofascism’ à la Little Green Footballs — and a pattern begins to emerge.

So what’s next? My vote: ‘purpose-driven’.

One last quote from the NYT article:

President Bush seized today on Democratic calls for withdrawal from Iraq to make an election-year case that his political rivals did not properly understand the threats to the nation and would create a more dangerous world.

Oo! Oo! I know what the threat to the nation is! A president-king with absolute power and no real accountability to Congress or the people, who has the ability to break laws with impunity, and no real knowledge of how to govern.

Do I win something?

…but you’ll have to excuse me for indulging in it, because it’s been a few bad days for a few bad people.

Katherine Harris has been having some trouble on her flailing Senate campaign. She’s the one who stopped the hand recount in Florida in 2000. The image of balloons silently falling onto an empty stage will live on in my mind.

Uri Geller got gazumped on his attempt to buy Elvis’s first house. Will he be able to use his mental powers to influence the legal system?

Some Christians are trying to boycott Tyndale House, makers of ‘Left Behind: Eternal Forces’ and publishers of the ‘Left Behind’ books. Check out that online petition — up to 29 names! That’ll hurt ’em.

Okay, maybe it’s not time to break out the popcorn yet. But until the good guys start winning for real, I’ll take what I can get.

“I see what you mean,” she said, “but I don’t know. I still believe in something, even though it’s not an organised religion. I like to leave room for the magic in life.”

I made a mental note that believing in untrue things equals magic.

Actually, I love magic. I used to do magic shows as a kid. I learned how to get a line of patter going, and how to misdirect the audience. I still know quite a few card tricks. My favourite YouTube clip right now is this one of the Microwave Man. I can’t figure it out yet — there’s one thing in the way of my explanation.

I really like Penn & Teller. Their cable show “Bullshit!” is being carried on Channel 9, though in the TV Guide it’s tastefully listed as ‘Penn & Teller: BS’. (One of the nice things about Australian network TV is that they run American cable shows in their regular line-up.)

Have you noticed that the best skeptics are magicians? Harry Houdini spent his later years debunking psychics and their phony seances. Famous debunker James Randi started out in conjuring. Maybe it’s because the magician-skeptics know how to fool an audience, but they’re honest about their deception — you know it’s entertainment. They have no patience with dishonest magicians (like Uri Geller) who con people into thinking that the magic tricks are real.

Magic works because it exploits our assumptions about what we see. We think the coin has been passed into the other hand. We assume the hat is empty. We imagine that we’re free to choose any card, when the magician has tricked us into picking just the card she wants.

“But when you’re talking about saving the magic in life, you have to remember that magic isn’t real,” I concluded to my friend. “Magic is someone fooling you.”

She looked glazed.

“Um… sorry for the extended philosophical exposition,” I said, “but you triggered a keyword.”

“You owe me a coffee now,” she said.

It was worth it!

In the car, the boys asked why religions ask for money if God owns everything.

“Now, kids, it’s not supposed to be about the money,” I said. “In church, they always say that the Lord doesn’t want your money; he wants your faith.”

“Fine,” said Oldest Boy. “I’ll keep my money and pay with faith.”

“Ha!” said Youngest Boy. “I get it — they’ll take your money and pay you back with faith!”

They’re pretty sharp.