Over the years, I’ve heard lots of people — especially young women who should know better — disparage feminism, saying it’s irrelevant to their concerns. “Haven’t we already achieved gender equality?” Men even more so: “I’m certainly unaware of this inequality of which you speak.”
But I never knew I was in that very same camp until I saw a project: Stop Telling Women to Smile. How strange, I thought. Is this even a thing?
I asked my partner: Do men on the street tell you to smile? Yes, every once in a while, she said. Something like “Oh, come on, sweetie, give us a smile!” Or disguised as a compliment: “Shame to have a frown on that pretty face!” Still no smile? Then abuse: “Don’t be stuck up!” Ugh.
I asked more female friends. There were weary confirmations: yes, it was a thing. I was astounded. This is going to sound naïve to women who put up with this, but I’d never seen it. I certainly don’t go around trying to control the faces of women around me. I’ve never even heard other guys do it in my presence. My partner says they wouldn’t say it to her when I’m around.
It was an aspect of sexism that was totally invisible to me. And that’s leaving out wolf whistles and dirty talk.
So when I hear guys say (and I do) “There’s no need for feminism.” or “Systemic inequality is largely a thing of the past.” or “Why, I certainly never see sexism in my daily life!” then I understand. I never saw it either. But that was a function of my insularity and cluelessness. Go ahead and ask women you know if they have to put up with that crap. You may be surprised by their answers.
28 May 2014 at 12:12 pm
I asked my wife: she said she's been wolf-whistled but never had anyone tell her to smile.
Conversely, when I was in my 20s, I remember a female stranger tell me to smile so as not to ruin my handsome face – I didn't like that because the stranger was much older than me so it creeped me out but if she'd been younger I probably would have. I have been wolf whistled in my younger days, too and I found that flattering (although was embarrassed), but then again, I've never felt physically intimidated by women. If I was a woman, I could imagine if I heard a wolf whistle I may initially feel flattered shortly before worrying that I may be about to be physically assaulted.
I've seen plenty of guys wolf whistle at women, but I've never heard anyone tell a woman to smile, either.
28 May 2014 at 1:27 pm
How many times are men told to toughen up, or man up, or be a man? How common is it for men to (be able to) express their feelings or cry in public?
I agree that there are gender conventions in our culture, but they exist for men too. Also, I don't know if I would categorically classify asking a woman to smile as being sexist.
28 May 2014 at 1:48 pm
Inflexible gender norms hurt everyone. You've pointed out a good example of how feminism can help men, too.