If you never got your patriarchal blessing — maybe you’re ex-Mormon now and it’s too late — well, now you can get it online.
Please note that the validity of the inspired pronouncements in your blessing depend for their self-fulfilment on numerous complex and interacting variables including:
• Your tribal ancestry/heritage;
• Free agency;
• Your adherence to the solemn admonitions within your blessing;
• The changing mind of God;
• Supervening circumstances;
• Your astrological birth/star sign;
• Ongoing evolutionary changes in church doctrine;
Etc.
For the uninitiated, Mormons have a belief that when a certain old man lays his clammy hands on your head and goes into a kind of trance, a supernatural being gives him information about the rest of your life. He says a bunch of vague stock phrases which get typed up and presented to you. It’s called a patriarchal blessing, and you’re meant to consider it as your own personal scripture.
But really, the patriarchal blessing is the Mormon equivalent of a psychic reading. All sincere, I’m sure, but like other psychics, the ‘patriarch’ gleans info about you, and then outputs something that sounds spiritual. People accept the hits, and reinterpret the misses.
The problem comes when people believe this nonsense, and try to guide their lives by bogus oracles. One friend of mine was convinced that she was going to die young because of some vague pronouncement in her PB. (I’m pleased to say she’s still alive and healthy.) The actual phrase in question was rather innocuous, but when you convince someone that random drivel from a stranger is divine revelation, you can’t blame them for being bad interpreters.
I think the site gives an excellent imitation of the writing style that Mormon patriarchs always seem to come up with. About the only thing missing is the bit where they tell you that you’re from the tribe of Ephraim. Well, if you’re Caucasian.
6 June 2010 at 3:37 pm
My wife says that the one produced by patriarchalblessing.net is better and more specific than the one she actually received. Heh, quite funny.
What's interesting about pat downs is all the second coming of Jesus prophecies. Little do the patriarchs know that they are just creating more work for the apologists. Even my own mother's blessing has a second coming prophecy. She says that it is worded so that it will definitely happen before she dies (if she's still righteous though). My oldest sister also has a similar prophecy but I'm unsure of the exact wording. It'll be interesting to see how my family will make excuses when nothing happens…
7 June 2010 at 9:54 am
Bahahahaha! I just did mine for fun and apparently I will be quite infuential in the Church!
7 June 2010 at 11:47 am
There's some wry humor in there.
Your children will help to usher in the millennial reign of our Savior unless this is postponed because of some unforeseen circumstance.
Nice out-clause.
12 June 2010 at 11:18 am
Do not be lazy, rise from thy bed early and exercise regularly. But in all things be gentle on your knees.
gee really? I'm quite sure that be gentle on your knees thing goes for everyone. that was a good laugh
27 December 2011 at 8:20 am
HAHAHA, this is awesome. "Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves helping His children return to Him." sweet, is the message going to self destruct or something?