A tragic story about the 8-year-old boy that killed two men.
The double murder on Nov 5 shocked the US, with investigators initially struggling to find any motive.
However, according to police records reported by the Arizona Republic, the boy “is believed to have made ledgers and/or communicated in the form of writings about his intentions” if his father and stepmother continued to smack him.
According to the police records, the boy told a Child Protective Services official that “when he reached one thousand spankings . . . that would be his limit. [The boy] kept a tally of his spankings on a piece of paper.”
The article doesn’t detail the severity of the beatings, but one thousand? By age eight? How many could you rack up by 18? This was a parent with a limited disciplinary repertoire. (On the other hand, this is perfectly sound biblical technique.)
According to child psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs (discussed here), children have different motives for misbehaviour. They may seek attention, they may try for power, or they may act out of discouragement. But the most dangerous motive is revenge. They may lash out at parents, or try to harm themselves. Some suicides contain elements of revenge.
It’s important for children to experience the consequences of their actions, both good and bad. That’s how they learn to become responsible adults. But beating, spanking, and hitting are not good consequences. They do not follow as a result of what the child has done, and they set the parent up as One Who Must Be Obeyed. Then, you get (at best) sneaky kids with no internal sense of responsibility, and (at worst) ticking time-bombs of simmering revenge. It doesn’t take a thousand beatings for this to happen.
The alternative to this grim scenario is to allow the child to have logical consequences for their actions. If they get ready for bed on time, they get a story. If they break a window, it comes out of their pocket money. If they fight over toys, the toy has to go in time-out.
I’ve used this principle on my two boys, and so far they seem to be learning to anticipate the consequences of their actions. I don’t need to hit them or even yell at them. (Which is not to say that I don’t lose it sometimes, but it’s rare.) And they listen to me because we have a good relationship based on mutual respect and not punishment.
2 December 2008 at 8:20 am
I agree Daniel. I have made use of all sorts of discipline with my girls – both based on reward and also punishment (sitting on the step until you feel able to behave in a friendly manner for example), standing my ground (when you stop screaming I will come in and read you a story) etc but I have never used any form of physical violence. Though I do occasionally lose my temper and shout, I generally apologise and acknowledge it isn’t a good way to behave – but your kids need to know you’re human too, and not above apology.
I was beaten pretty much every day by my mother. I kept a tally on a calendar in my bedroom. I easily racked up 1000 beatings by the age of 8, probably more. I frequently had fantasies about killing her. The only reason I am as sane as I am is because I was a bookworm and lucky enough to have been attending an excellent school where I could immerse myself in education. In the late 50’s, early 60’s I don’t think anyone would have thought my mother was a child abuser, just that I was a very naughty child. Sadly she was suffering from PTSD and could have done with some therapy and parenting support. Thank goodness for Childline and similar services and the NSPCC (UK children’s charities) who have campaigned against spanking for years. One day it’ll be illegal in the UK – it’s certainly considered wrong by most people nowadays apart from some religious groups who just love a bit of kiddy whacking in the name of god.
2 December 2008 at 10:47 pm
That’s horrific, snowqueen. I’m glad you didn’t snap. I’m also glad you could break the cycle.
It seems amazing that some people still think a little beating will somehow train a child up right.
I hope it does become illegal. I think that’ll take a while in the USA though. Too many people defend it from a Christian perspective.
4 December 2008 at 11:06 pm
That site is so disgusting – “He advises using a neutral object such as a paddle or a switch to administer spankings to children. His belief is that this preserves the image of a parent’s hand as an object of love, not punishment.”
They must think children are totally stupid.
Control – it’s all about control, not about discipline at all. My 16 year old doesn’t smoke, take drugs or have sex. She is polite and thoughtful and also creative and bright. I’ve never had to tell her to do her homework and she is looking at straight As in her GCSE’s at the moment. She never talks back at me and is cooperative and friendly. Most importantly she trusts and likes me. Sometimes it just overwhelms me how much she loves me and then I remember that I deserve it because despite all the stupid things I’ve done in my life and the poor role model, I managed to be a good parent. My other daughter is equally delightful in a completely different way, btw. You can see them in my Facebook photos of course.